Ramblings

Parvulus Lascivio

2009-01-12T12:22:00.000-08:00

I don't get it. I'm not going to apologize to him. I've done nothing wrong and I feel that I've never led him on either. I never said there was a chance I would date him. I feel as though our friendship was just an act, wasn't for real because of his secret intentions. Why can't guys just be with me with no secret intentions? I cannot even describe how hurtful it is to have a guy thats a great friend to you just walk out on you just because you don't like him the same way. What an asshole.
Whatever I'm going to let him have his tantrum and I'm not going to apologize. Obviously he doesn't want to be friends because I don't want to date him so whatever I'm not going to cry about it. Its his choice.

Turbatio, Confusio

2009-01-09T20:39:00.000-08:00

How come when you say the truth people get so upset? It makes no sense. If that truly makes someone upset then don't ask for an opinion. If you can't handle the truth go back to your own little world because out here in this one your not going to make it. Learn to accept what your doing or have done. If you don't like to hear what your doing from someone's lips other than yours then stop doing what your doing.
Its not that hard, think about it.

Gaudium, Felicitas, Beatitas

2009-01-06T21:24:00.000-08:00

"i think u have an amazing way of saying things u r honest and truthful about stuff and its really cool!"
"i think how u say things and how u talk about things is amazing u have away of saying things and talking about things in away that can really make things look better"
"i may not be the best with words and i may not know what to say all the time but u r the first person i have ever meet who truely takes the time and really thinks about what they write and that is honest about it is a very rare thing to see that in someone"
"so love yourself in a balanced way...not like be selfish, but dont be mean to yourself for being human, cuz we are all human"
"But I can;t change it so I enjoy it and do my best to make others happier"

I love you guys. What a great thing it is to have friends. I've been feeling a ton down in the dumps lately. Felt like I was going to cry for a while now hahaha and now I am. Its a positive cry though not one out of sadness! Its true we are all human I don't know why all this time I was expecting myself to be at a higher plane and had to be better then everyone else, perfect in other words. I'm just human. I'm just human. I'm just human. I have to say that over and over. I cannot express how I'm feeling right now. I'm at the uprising of supreme happiness I've got to say. I think also my unhappiness comes from being self centered a bit. Worrying about things I didn't really need to, over-analyzing, being maybe even somewhat mean. I didn't mean to. I think if people think too much, especially me, we all get depressed. I know what its like to be bullied, I've been bullying myself a lot lately, probably so much that if someone where to really bully me that I wouldn't of notice. I'm most likely every type of mean to myself. I don't like it, it makes me depressed and then anxious, and well then it gets me to this mindset. I'm just really happy right now. I feel like people truly care and I truly feel like I am embracing the world. That there is good still in it. That times are tough and maybe they will always be but we are all human. What a great thing to be! I'm truly inspired right now. I love you and you and him and her and his cousin and that girl over there as well. I am stoked right now! I want to rape people with my love!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
That saying is completely right. We shouldn't be stressing about things that haven't even happened yet. We should focus in the day we are in and enjoy it for what it is and how much time we have in it!

Tiffany Rochelle

Tracto

2008-12-25T14:41:00.000-08:00

I'm not good at relationships at all. A couple of times since I've been hanging out with Xander I've caught myself distancing myself. Why is that I ask myself. There are several reasons why. Maybe I'm afraid I'm falling for him. I really do think thats it. I worry constantly that he's going to do things that my other lovers have done...yet he doesn't. So I think that I'm putting up unnecessary walls that I haven't even noticed until now.
I can be myself around Kristen or Heath because I don't really care what they think. With Xander I care about what he thinks, a lot. I'm just in constant worry that I'm screwing up in a relationship that has not been anything but amazing. Am I really too afraid for real love with someone who cares about me as I do for them for once? Am I really afraid to fall for him? Or do I think I don't deserve this because I'm down on myself as a person?
I think all of those reasons are most likely why.
I'm afraid to fall for him, I'm worried that if I do he'll just leave me like the rest did and I'll never talk to him again. That would make me really sad. I guess I'm trying to protect myself with these walls. I'm trying to protect myself from him and from love too. I think with all the relationships I've been in I deserve the real thing. But its like when I've felt love for someone it just falls apart completely at least a couple of months after words. I know I don't want to push him away but its like I can't completely believe him when he says he loves me. For some reason.
I don't know, I know I should tell him but I wonder if it is too soon.

Confundo

2008-12-21T17:07:00.000-08:00

So how can I be a Dragon when I was born in 1989, which is the year of the Snake? I don't get it!!!! I also can't go to the museum tomorrow since I got a teeth stupid cleaning appointment tomorrow! BAH!

Anyway I'm done.

©Tiffany Rochelle

Feriae

2008-12-21T16:46:00.000-08:00

Okay so Christmas is almost upon us. Isn't it weird that people go 'Happy Holidays!' instead of saying 'Merry Christmas!'? I mean back in the day we could actually say the names of holiday's without hurting anyone's feelings. It's retarded. I mean I say it and I don't care if it disrespects anyone's religion, because the truth is, Christmas was even celebrated before their religion got big and everyone started respecting it. When you think about it, saying Merry Christmas shouldn't be disrespecting others. It's just another way to say Happy Holidays BUT actually saying the name of the holiday. For example: no one gets offended if you say Happy Halloween, I mean nobody that I know of, then why should they get offended if you say Merry Christmas? It's not like your trying to convert them to Christianity, they're wishing you happy holidays. Meaning of which I think that almost everything should be closed except Walmart. Only the people who are against Christmas should work that day because nobody needs a scourge of not being nice on that day. Especially Xander since I know he really really wants to spend time with his family. Its just one of those times where I wished I still worked at the theater so I could work them for him but I think he will figure something out. I mean I really hope so. Naw he's smart he'll figure something out. Also its one of those days where I am pretty thankful I work at a mall. Its nice that it is closed on big holiday's. I just can't wait for Christmas to be over. The shoppers will most likely be nicer for when it is. I hope.

©Tiffany Rochelle

Orbis

2008-12-21T12:33:00.000-08:00

So here it goes. I work at Victoria Secret in a mall. Yesterday I saw many friendly faces there before I started working, I loved it. I don't get visited too often by anybody. I don't blame people though, I guess some people get a weird feeling when stepping into the store. Which I'm going to add was really really crowded! The whole mall was! There was even traffic on the side lines getting out and this lead so that no one could get in as well. No one was obeying traffic laws. It was all in all scary. Anyway the store was really busy, not like that is unusual this time of year. There was a lot of fun people but then a lot of lousy prissy people. I finally got a really awesome customer at the end of the night and I helped him pick something out for his wife which by the way was a gorgeous night gown on sale, who knew? I notice that I always stay later then I have to here, I mean, I need the money and I seem to drive home okay so its not really a big deal and I'll stop there.
So I get home around maybe close to two in the morning. My older brother and my mom are watching Raxephon(?) so we watch that for a while. Then we all decide that we all should separate and go to bed. While going to bed I check on my birds because I'm cool like that and Purple died. I literally weeped. It was really bad. Crying until three in the morning isn't that much fun, I ended up taking the body out because I can't sleep with dead things in the same room, and throwing it away. Sounds heartless? Yes, yes it is but what else am I supposed to do? It was freezing outside anyway so the ground would still be hard even if I tried to bury her. After that I just crashed and snoozed. When I woke up today I looked like complete shit. My eyes were all red and puffy and my face was dry and I couldn't breathe out of my nose.
My thoughts are cloudy again, I'm starting to feel the self doubt again taking its pull. I just need to rest and stop this charade from going on forever.

©Tiffany Rochelle

Igarus

2008-12-20T09:18:00.001-08:00

So Pan, my puppy, woke me up this morning. Its great that he is taking such initiative to wake up now instead of sleeping all the time and going outside. But why wake me up? There's nothing he can do with jello and thus no reason why he should wake me up anyway. Unless its the fact that my cat Ginger is bullying him. Then I would gladly wake up for him and save him from her. Or if one of the dogs outside runs over him. Yes that too.
I love it how my dad can go from being nice then from going I'm the boss in under 10 minutes. It usually happens in the morning after he's done playing his game. Figures.
So I got kicked last night and I regret that because I have a very good friend of mine that seems to be having a very hard time with the rest of her 'pals.' Its none of my business really, but she did post a blog about her feelings on the subject, which indeed I read this morning as well. I just want to help her feel better, just listen to her thoughts is all. I just wish people would stop being such assholes to her. What did she do to deserve such a treatment? Certainly me and Megan would never treat her such like garbage. Maybe even a few more people then us as well would never even think about doing so. Makes me sick they aren't taking her friendship as they should. However I am curious who is on her list though...even though I might not be on it.

©Tiffany Rochelle

Afflatus

2008-12-19T21:21:00.000-08:00

So I think there is some artists that everyone in their right mind should at least look at. Here's my list:

Camille Rose Garcia
Miranda Adria
Lara Jade
Michael O
Marta Dahlig
Aisha Diandra
Christian Nauck
Natalie Shau
Michael Whelan

Of course that is not all the artists I find inspirational, but those are a few examples.

Another place that is long forgotten but still has amazing artwork is Elfwood. Check it out!

Also still check out DeviantArt, it constantly gains new talent by the day!

©Tiffany Rochelle

Texo

2008-12-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

I suffer from insanity. I sometimes enjoy it, sometimes I do not.

My life has been interesting lately these past couple of months have proven to me that nothing is set in stone, and that maybe fate has more in store for me then I in the beginning believed. I mean I would of never imagined I'd be living back with my family or be dating the person that I am right now. How weird and trivial things have worked out. Yet again back then I never imagined such events were farther then my mind then the United States is far away from Australia. It makes me think a lot of bad stuff has happened to me but maybe this is my grace period. The time where you've been given and gave out equally (even if you don't want to recognize you have) shit to people and to gain bliss for once in a very long while. To know happiness and to add true love that is real is one of the greatest feelings on Earth, and that has not happened to me for a really long time up until now. I'm not exaggerating. It seems like there has been a whole sea of thoughts for me these past couple of days that are driving me, well, insane. I'm glad that I was able to talk about some of my thoughts to people. It seems these days are dieing before they are even born and that I am wasting them by thinking but I cannot help it. I need to sort stuff out in my mind. Indeed I love to think, thinking too much in itself is dangerous if you are constantly going over a situation in your head, otherwise it might be great for the individual. It seems nowadays people are giving up hope, I wish they could only see the hero in themselves. No one should have to settle for anything I think, unless they are truly happy where they are. If they are good for them. Its good to be happy with all the things that are going well for you in your life, I certainly am. Don't you wish you could just rape people with your happiness?? I do!
If wishing wells and shooting stars do work I'm hoping that my wishes come true. I'm tired of the disorder. It has been driving me insane, I mean it did start when I was a kid, I think it occurred with a lot of people too. Even long ago on my profile on myspace it read that I have an avoidant personality disorder, ( to read more upon this disorder ) not like many people read profiles anyway nowadays, its just myspace after all. Anyway it just seems like a rush, for the past few days it seems like it seems to be more in control of my actions and gets me into a lot of trouble. I know I shouldn't blame my actions based on a disorder, but it does certainly help clear a lot of gunk up. I feel like like if I can sort through my thoughts it will be better, especially for me. It just creates a lot of negativity, like doubting myself and how I can never do anything right, or thinking that I'm just going to screw all this up because well I'm a failure. I feel like my eating problem though has cleared up, which is really nice. I'm just more picky what I eat now and I don't really take food in large amounts either which is nice as well. So definitely that wish is taken care of and I'm really thankful for it. My other wish is that, even with trying to get a serious conversation to stick with them, that my parents will stop blubbering to me about religion. I love my family don't get me wrong, however I think it is wrong that they put Mormonism, which by the way is a family based religion, before their family. I don't like it when they push it upon me, I don't think anybody would in my situation either. I just wish they would listen to me instead of laugh at the situation.
Anyway instead of my bitching and whining its almost Christmas! Me, myself, and I do not really favor this holiday like the rest of people do. Mainly because I'm really poor and owe money to the bank instead of buying people I care about amazing things to open on that delightful day. It sucks, it really does! But hopefully with the more hours coming my way at work I'll be able to buy the people I care about really really nice gifts in the future to conpensate the ones they give to me this holiday. However I do not hate this day. No, no I'm not a scourge of hate!
I've also have had some creative juices flowing recently, I believe its about time to find them out and conquer them soon before this feeling goes away. Don't you?

©Tiffany Rochelle